No, Extroverts Aren’t All Boasting: What Introverts Get Wrong

I wish I could counter Susan Cain’s groundbreaking book about introverts, Quiet, with one about extroverts. I’d call it, “Also Quiet.”

One assumes that if a book about introverts is called, Quiet, then a book about their opposite should be called “Loud.” But while Ms. Cain’s book dispels some myths about introverts, it creates misconceptions about extroverts. No, extroverts aren’t all boasting or loud or gregarious. Here I’ve written a few things that introverts get wrong about extroverts.

I have read off-hand comments by introverts making subtle digs at extroverts like:

Some attributes about introversion and extroversion got lost in translation. It’s great that people are finding out more about themselves and their personality tendencies. It seems that in learning about ourselves, however, we can often incorrectly attribute our own tendencies to all people like us, and assume that the opposite is true of all out-group people.

So an introvert that likes to Netflix and chill may assume that extroverts can’t stand the solitude. (Truth: everyone likes to Netflix and chill). Or an introvert that hates people thinks that all introverts hate people (nope! That’s called misanthropy, not introversion). And so on.

Here, I’d like to clear up some myths that I see all too often.

Most introverts seem to think they’re in the minority and this creates a David v Goliath mentality. 

In actuality, some researchers estimate that 50-75% of the population are extroverts. That leaves open the possibility that there are an even or close number of extroverts and introverts (50-50, 60-40). Extroverts may be a majority but really it might not be by that much. Other research suggests that between one half and two-thirds of the population is ambivert – that is, both introvert and extrovert. So introverts and extroverts BOTH might be in the minority.

And even if most people were extroverts, there’s a wide variety of introverts and extroverts. It’s a spectrum; most people are in the middle of the spectrum. Being a complete extrovert or a complete introvert is rare and honestly, weird.

We are all a little bit of both. We are actually much more similar than those personality tests would have you believe.

The optimal balance of chemicals that differentiate introverts from extroverts is different for each person. I’m an ENFP on the Myers Briggs scale, which is one of the most introverted types of extroverts, so I need time alone. I live by myself and can read for hours with no music or external noise. I work in a very quiet office without much social interaction. This is not something that all or most extroverts, or even introverts, can handle, but I love it and need it.

I know introverts who need to be in the presence of other people but don’t want to interact with them. They like the din of noise that others bring. It would, however, be very stressful to me never to have absolute quiet for some part of the day.  This is all to say that there’s just a wide variety of introversion and extroversion. Somewhere in the middle, there’s quite a bit of mixing – with extroverts appreciating silence and introverts appreciating some fuss. You can’t really assume that one likes or dislikes silence based on whether someone is an extrovert or not.

I’m an extrovert and I’m a little shy. Most people are at least a little shy. Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, people are afraid of strangers and of rejection. Most people hate networking and few people have mastered the art of small talk (or like it).

My sister and brother are both introverted but they are not shy. I could point them to a (nonthreatening) stranger and say, go introduce yourself and they would walk straight up to that person and extend their hand. They don’t need the social stimulation of talking to other people but they have less social anxiety than I do. Personally, I’m not sure how my siblings do it, but I know that shyness and extroversion can exist as easily as boldness and introversion.

I think it’s great that people are talking about introversion and extroversion and learning about themselves. But I think it can be dangerous to use this introversion/extroversion as a lens to understand everyone and everything .

Maybe you meet someone extroverted who is arrogant and loud. Maybe you meet extroverts that are great at parties. These anecdotes are not indicative of all extroverts. Some extroverts are arrogant and some are modest. Some are loud and some are quiet. Some extroverts have natural charisma, some worked very hard to develop those people skills and some are awkward and weird.  The same is true for introverts.

The other side of this coin is that introverts see their own social weaknesses and attribute all introverts as having the same problems. Introverts think that they can’t be good at networking, public speaking or any other “extroverted” endeavors and that couldn’t be further from the truth. These are all skills that need to be learned and practiced.

How to Use Empathy When Meeting Either Introverts and Extroverts

It wouldn’t necessarily matter that introverts are wrong about extroverts except that often these assumptions cast extroverts in a negative light or fail to empathize the universal problems that all humans have.  Introverts and extroverts all suffer a bit in social settings.

It’s only natural now, when our society has moved away from tribes where everyone knew each other to live in huge cities far surrounded by strangers. (I actually heard about this when an author is describing why people are awkward).

Conclusion- No, Extroverts aren’t all Boasting

Meeting people is hard. Putting yourself out there is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. If I’m good at any of these things, it’s because I forced myself to do them often- it didn’t come naturally from being an extrovert.

Your personality type is not your destiny. Nor is your personality type an excuse to keep you from advancing in your career/life. Everyone is still responsible for improving in areas that don’t come naturally to us, whatever they may be.

While it’s great to learn more about what environments are the most conducive for your own thriving, let’s try to be a little empathetic to people who are different to us, without assuming we know all those differences. We can all try to understand that it’s difficult for any stranger to extend their hand to us, so we can be the first to do so.